Wednesday, August 31, 2011

This is a journey, into sound

Sept. 6 still seems a long time away.

In the meantime, I've been driving myself insane. Part of me wants to believe this is all in my mind. But the pain seems real. The difficulty swallowing, the hoarseness, the cough, the mucous, the swollen glands . . . they seem real.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I've replayed my funeral in my head a thousand times. I've spelled out my wishes to my wife. I've checked and double checked my life insurance policy. I'm preparing for the worst.

And, yet, it could just be a scratchy voice.

Do I believe that? No. I believe it's the worst possible scenario.

Is it Sept. 6 yet?

In so many ways, I just want to know. One way or the other, the not knowing is more difficult I think.



  1. (Jeff finds out it is allergies, we all throw balled up pages from his novel at him, and tell him to query more, get an agent, and get worldy famous already. Then he can have a better funeral someday. Er...:)

  2. and, the word they made me type in before my comment would post? booffs. Seemed fitting? Ignor me. :)

  3. Hang in there, man. It's easy to assume the worst, but worrying yourself sick doesn't help a damned thing. I'm thinking of you. Let us all know as soon as you do.

  4. It's pretty scary. My throat hurts, constantly. I haven't smoked in 13 days, and the pain is no less pronounced than it has been for the past six months.

  5. That's awful. I'm counting down the days and sending all the good thoughts your way I can. Love you, man.

  6. I know it's scary when you think something is wrong and you have to wait to find out. Stay strong, Jeff. Sending good vibes.

  7. I agree, the waiting and not knowing is the worst. I remember racing through all my symptoms on-line, and coming up with the alternative of "cat-scratch fever." Hoping against hope that it could be that. My cat had scratched me.

    When it turned out to be the worst, at least I had an answer and it didn't seem hopeless, even though Jackie Kennedy had died ten years earlier. I later found out, she wouldn't take the treatment.

    The first thing the oncologist did was assure me that there were things he could do and that, if I would do what he wanted me to do, he could keep me alive. I can give you years more, Mrs. Kales, he said.

    Yes, the treatment was hell for five months, but it kept me alive. I lost all my hair and I felt like I was dying most of the time. But I survived and here I am turning 75 and still climbing ladders and walking miles.

    Also, contrary to what you read, they are constantly making progress with cancer. The University of British Columbia has just come up with something that can even destroy liver cancer cells when all hope is gone.

    So, dear Jeff. I know its scary but keep thinking those positive thoughts. A lot of people love you.