Thursday, August 19, 2010

For Sale: KY Warming Massage Oil - Only Used Once.

I'm on fire!

KY Warming Massage Oil should be banned. The label says it's safe for intimate areas.

Whose intimate areas?

Not mine. Not my wife's.

It goes from "this is nice," to "this is pure napalm on my naughty bits" in about a minute and a half. I cried during sex, which my wife thought was romantic and sensitive, but it was really me afraid I was going to be left with a charred nub for a tallywacker. It's like BenGay on your groin. Apparently they did not do enough market research before putting this out for public consumption. Was their test market a sadist and masochist retreat colony?

Have you seen the commercials? They make it sound delightful. What they should show is Mt. Vesuvius erupting and melting the people of Pompeii. Two people sitting on the couch, talking about their love life, CUT TO people running through the streets screaming "MY FLESH IS PEELING OFF LIKE LIQUID SKIN!"

I had a third-degree burn from a motorcycle muffler that felt better.

Not recommended.


  1. btw, it's the line "not recommended" that really takes the cake. :)

  2. LOL! I'd make one edit . . . "before putting this out for pubic consumption." EVERYONE makes that typo, but it's never been appropriate to any actual prose before.

  3. "Pubic consumption" would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?

  4. Okay, now I get it. I'm dying over here... :)

    I always wondered the purpose of that stuff. Seems it would only be useful for necrophiliacs or zombies or Ann Coulter or other beings that do not possess the gift of natural body heat to warm up lube.

  5. It started out as a nice relaxing massage, but it got out of hand.

  6. My wife and I have used that stuff quite a bit. Though we learned one time to never mix those massage oils - that's what causes the insane burning sensation. Don't massage with one oil, then use the KY Warming... bad bad bad.