Oh, shit, it's Canada Day

As most of you are aware, today is Canada Day in, where else? Canada.

It's a celebration of July 1, 1867 when Canada won its independence from Britain by combining two British colonies and a province of the British Empire into one big, massive block of ice and snow. Under the agreement, the new country would still be under British Rule, but they would be able to learn to speak English correctly, other than still being required to put an extra "U" in most words, such as colour, honour, and Ouctober.

One of the most popular things to do on Canada Day is go see the Queen of Canada, Elizabeth II, whose face is on Canadian currency (street value $.87 US), and then go to the Gay Pride Parade. The Queen makes a yearly visit to Canada just to make sure nothing has changed in the 143 years that she's been the Queen. Because of her advancing age, the Queen only visits during the Canadian summer (June 30 - July 2).

In America, we aren't taught a lot about Canada other than it's generally north of the United States and there is an over-abundance of snow and ice. But there's so much more to Canada. They also invented Arctic Air, Windchill Factor, and Ice Beer, so named because Canadians are an industrious bunch and discovered there's no reason to let frozen beer go to waste. Canada also exports such commodities as Aluminum, comedians, and methamphetamines.

Canadian children play a traditional Canadian game for Canada Day called "What Animal Ate Daddy?" A deck of cards containing many different animals including Moose, Bear, Beavers, and Mosquitoes, are laid out in a circle. Each child in turn says "Will Daddy Come Home Tonight?" and then draws a card. If the child pulls a non-lethal animal, such as a squirrel, they stay in the game. If they pull a lethal animal, such as the Canadian Goose, they have to skip a turn, or what's known as "Going to live with Uncle for some time, eh?"

But not everything is wine and roses in Oh, Canada. Recently there has been some conflict between the English-speaking Canadians and the Fucking French-speaking Canadians. Apparently, some people in Canada were not informed until recently that Canada is under British rule and had been brought up to believe they are actually in a very cold region of France. This was discovered about 10 years ago when they went out to witness Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France (Le Tour de Sainte Genevieve) only to instead see Matthew "Skeeter" Thomas riding a two-person bike by himself through the city streets. Because of this, the Fucking French Canadians want to form their own nation which would be known as Quebec (pronounced "Rhode Island").

A recent poll taken June 16, shows that nearly two-thirds of Canadians (17 people), think Canada should not be under British rule and should form their own country, however, because Canada is a constitutional Monarchy, they would have to completely shift their form of government. The amount of work this would take (several weeks), usually puts most Canadians out of the mood for such drastic change. However, two prominent Canadians were discussing this possibility over some Moosehead, and a plan known as "No, really, we could totally do this" was sprung. Details are sketchy, and it wouldn't be prudent to go into them at this point, but suffice to say the plan includes digging a hole and hoping any British dignitary who tries to stop them "falls into it and twists their ankles."

There is also a small faction (Steve "Skeeter" Hutcheson) who feel Canada should join the United States. Unfortunately, this would never work. Most Canadians still use an archaic measurement system known as the "Metric System." Under this system, units of weight, size, and volume are measured using a completely arbitrary set of numbers. For example, Canada is roughly 3,851,787 square miles. Using a complicated algorithm, 1 foot equals about 0.3048 meters, therefore, under the metric system, Canada is about 9,976,128 square hectogramliters, which is a completely ridiculous made up number.

But that's a discussion for another day. Today is a day to celebrate Canada. Good job turning three smaller British colonies into one big heaping British colony. Good work!