Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun . . .

I'm going through a bit of a personal crisis of faith. Not like God faith, though there's probably a bit of that as well.

I have a very manic personality, going from one interest to the next with the frequency of a police band scanner. A month ago, I wanted to be a writer. Last week, I wanted to be a graphic designer.

Today, I want to disappear.

I tell my kids: You can't spell Daddy without A.D.D.

An old friend once told me that you search for yourself in your 20s, you discover yourself in your 30s, and you define yourself in your 40s. I'm looking down the barrel of 40, and I haven't figured out who I am yet.

And worse yet, I have no idea what I'm going to be when I grow up.

Every day, I seem to slip further and further away from whom I'm supposed to become. I become less and less sure of my goals, or how to get there. My passion for creating, for exploring, for discovering new ideas is waning with every passing moment, and I don't know how to get back.

Think of your life as a marriage to yourself. Right now, I've fallen out of love with me, and I'm thinking about divorce. Perhaps I should try a trial separation. I have this overwhelming sense that it's time for me to go, and that I'll never find myself stuck where I am.

Or maybe that's just the A.D.D. talking.

5 comments:

  1. That's why I'm so appreciative and grateful for my "real" job as a teacher - I have enough time off to explore all the creative avenues and aspects that may or may nor lead anywhere - may or may not make me money - and may or may not be something I want to stick with

    I like being able to say, "I'm a teacher" when people ask what I do for a living, but in reality, teaching is what i do to in order to do the other things that REALLY make me feel alive

    So keep the faith, jumping ships and changing lanes are part of getting to where you're going

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  2. I'm not sure anymore that you want to hear from me, but I HAVE lived almost 35 years longer than you and have a little of life's experience.

    I don't think I really knew who I was before I turned 40. I began to take my travel training in my 40s and totally changed my direction in life as far as working is concerned.

    Maybe this part won't be for you but I changed my hair colour and started to look better than I ever had. I would say the years between 40 and 55 were my absolute best in every way and I enjoyed every minute of it.

    Maybe the thing you really are looking for is the thing you think you don't want. As long as you have your health, it's all out there for you. So don't give up. Life still has much to offer and you have much to offer to life.

    Love, Aunty Betty K.

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  3. Oh, and I quit wearing polyester. That helped.

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  4. @Mike, like the quote: "jumping ships and changing lanes is part of getting to where you're going."

    @BK, why wouldn't I want to hear from you? You're one of my favorite people and your life is an inspiration.

    *jots down note to stop wearing polyester*

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  5. You're going to possibly HATE my offer, but I'm gonna make it anyway. I will give you birthday gift of a reading from someone I truly and completely admire. Go to: www.practicallyintuitive. com. If you're game, I MEAN IT. You need to hear your soul's purpose. (Plus, she's funny....)

    ReplyDelete